Posted by: gdevi | June 10, 2014

Alvin’s Chipmunk Flambe

The rascals are back. I can’t believe, family, that you stopped at KFC and bought chicken sandwiches to snack on. Let me make you chipmunk flambe instead of the sexual suspect food. Look at the dastardly deed done by Alvin. Alvin, I am on to you, buddy! I am getting the coyote urine, if that is the last thing I do before I die! Aaah!

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But look at my tomatoes and my swiss chard. Alvin, Alvin, Alvin. I am buying gallons of coyote pee, just so you know.

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Apparently, there is a big market for animal urine. Who knew? A quick search on the web opened up a hitherto undiscovered world of animal urine. For your one stop shop animal urine needs, there is the Pee Mart. Yes, that is right. It is like Walmart, but especially made for animal urine. Discount prices. They even have testimonies from satisfied customers. “Carolyn” purchased mountain lion pee to keep the neighbor’s cats from her garden. The cats are history now. And squirrels, they hate fox urine. Somebody just put some near the attic vent and the squirrels moved to Canada. “THEY HATE IT!” — the testimony says in capital letters. I have decided that what I want is P-Cover Granulated Urine for my vegetable garden. They keep out burrowing pests. Now I have to choose. Do I want Wolf urine, Mountain Lion, Bobcat, Bear, Coyote, or Fox? Alvin, which big sharp-toothed animal gives you the scariest heebie jeebies?

Critter-Repellent.com sells chemical free animal repellent. They sell Coyote urine in Shake Away Large Animal Repellent granules. The website says “Shake-Away uses the stronges force in nature to get rid of your problem animal… instictive fear. Shake-Away contains the scent of your animals most feared predator.” There are some spelling mistakes in their copy: “stronges,” and “instictive,” and “animals” (needs possessive not plural), but I hope the coyote urine is the genuine predator stuff. They don’t specifically mention chipmunks–their target animals are deer, raccoons and armadillos–but why would a chipmunk not be afraid of a coyote? If I were a chipmunk I would be afraid of coyotes.  I am just saying.

There is another frightening website called predatorpee.com. It is like the Survival Rambo kind of website. Here you get to pick your problem and match the right predator pee to the problem. I picked chipmunk and I have the answer. It is fox urine Or coyote. 100% Fox urine in a 3-pack combo is 76.99. The 20 oz Shaker Top Jar of Fox Urine granules is 19.99. I think I am gonna go with this one. It says on the Shaker Top Jar that they are a “tradition of quality urine since 1986.”  Their testimonials are fantastic: “no plant-plundering pigs have returned to my property!” What alliteration!

Hey, Alvin, next week, you will be scared out of your wits, buddy!

The only animal that has ever peed on me is my turtle, Sigrid. (She used to be Fergie, but we changed her name. She is more of a Sigrid.) I had taken her to the vet once to have her eyes examined. She was sitting in my hands and when the vet came near her, she must have been so frightened that she peed on me. I actually did not know until then that turtles could pee. I hope predator urine is not collected by scaring these predator animals–you know, peed my pants, etc.

 

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